What is WRONG with That Kid?!

It started with a break. Not an ok-come-on-get-yourself-together kind of break that allows one to simply shake it off and get back in the game. Not even a wow-I-need-to-talk-to-someone-professional-and-STAT kind of break that needs some prescriptive and TLC to appease it. It was more like both of the aforementioned versions came together evil Megazord style and ninja blasted through the façade that I had manufactured and cultivated through years of well-rehearsed Midwestern niceties, bright smiles, and just enough good circumstance, smarts, and charm to make everything look perfectly, if not a little vapidly, smooth on the surface.

The chinks in the armor were small at first, but there was no denying the break was real. No amount of positive self-talk or meditation was working to stop my head from the death loop it decided to play and replay ad nauseam. To begin with, it was just being distracted at work or in social settings. Maybe it was a little deeper than that – I didn’t want to be at work or in social settings, but I continued to do life anyway, because what the hell else was I supposed to do? I could manage, and everyone goes through rough patches, right?...

Then the chink gaped to a noticeable void. I couldn’t sleep. And when I did, it was fitful and nightmare-ridden. My heart would beat out of my chest. My breath felt shallow and maligned from its normal rhythm. I had a ringing in my ears. I experienced dizzy spells. I would devolve into crying fits for no reason. I didn’t have control of anything. My body and mind were betraying me, and I felt like I was legitimately going crazy.

Unchecked, the void grew into what felt like a supermassive black hole. One that found me having thoughts that were far darker than I care to admit and, in true relativistic fashion, bent time around me such that a few moments of forced engagement and superficiality on the outside felt like tedious hours of inner self-deprecation, -doubt, and -loathing. Thoughts that made me question whether any of what I had shown the world all 32 years of my life was at all honest or altruistic. I felt empty and overloaded at the same time, but I couldn’t let anyone see that. I had to keep my happy mask bolted on firmly.

That mask, it made me wonder: was it all just affectation? Was I some sort of self-victimizing narcissist? Was I/am I putting anything, anything at all, worthwhile into the world? Was I/am I even a good person? Did it/does it even matter? Do I even want to stick around to find out? Would anyone care? Why couldn’t I handle this? Am I that weak? Am I that useless? Ceaseless noise bouncing around my noggin with no escape, its route barred by my inability to speak into being the monster that had grown inside me and my unwillingness to simply ask for help in vanquishing it.

Long story long(er), I found myself in a good ole fashioned existential crises, and a rather depressed one at that. I was…NO, I am – have to stop with this weird past tense/present tense stuff – I AM at current a heap of mush, realizing through all the breaking that I have no idea who I am or what I stand for. Granted, I’m not a blithering, drippy-nosed mess like I was a several months ago, but I am very much only beginning to put my pieces back together. I’m at square one of solving the Michael crossword puzzle. It’s a scary place to be, but I have an amazing support system around me. And I’m trying to be pragmatic about what to do next.

Why the heck am I sharing this all with you? I’m not entirely sure, if I’m being 100% transparent. What I’ve landed on, though, is that I think there are a lot of people who, though they appear outwardly polished and pristine, are in a place not so different than where I find myself at present. I think the number and variety of folks that go through self-doubt and depression and addiction and all their ugly cousins are myriad. More importantly, I think the only way to remove the stigma from these things is by talking about them unabashedly. Selfishly, I want to share my journey in writing because it makes it real, and I feel a little better getting it out in the open, exposing it to some light. Things have a hard time festering in the light. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll strike a relevant and resonant chord in someone else’s wanderings and wonderings.

I don’t know about you, reader, but I do NOT want to be paralyzed by this anymore. Whatever this is that I’m feeling and experiencing, I want to embrace it. I’ll breathe in the fear, mire in the doubt, and make friends with my insecurities; I’ll try to walk and talk with them for a little while to see what they have to say rather than dragging behind them kicking and screaming. So, like I mentioned above, I have a plan – a plan that I’ve already started instituting with some help from a yoga studio, a bicycle, a therapist, and a limited but most excellent assortment of loved ones. One that includes me being way more mindful of what I put into my heart, mind, and body. One that has me eating better and laying off the wine a little bit. By proxy, I’m thinking more clearly, finding myself feeling insanely motivated and meditating. I’m practicing kinder and more positive self-talk, enjoying nature, and trying really hard to really smile.

This plan has me, perhaps for the first time, truly listening to myself – figuring out what’s broken and how I want to fix it. Or how to simply let it go in some cases. It's not all broken after all. Every step forward is part of my quest toward eudaimonia (more about that crazy and brilliant idea in future posts - for now, Google is your friend). I hope it will help me arrive at what I think I’ve wanted and needed all along – to be known and loved, skeletons and all. And I know the place to start involves first and foremost knowing and loving myself. I never knew loving oneself was so stinking hard.

If you’ve made it all the way to the end of this, reader, I hope you’ll take the trek with me. I’ll share some thoughts, fears, failures, and triumphs week to week, and hopefully stir up some good discussion. This blog will explore anything and everything I encounter on my voyage to wellness. I’ll also probably share an annoying array of puppy and food photos, and who can resist that?! Posts won’t all be this long (contain your excitement) because, well, life is calling. And I’m actively trying right now to be captivated and lured in by its siren song.